What do you do when you feel like you’d love to be an actress, a singer, a production assistant, a model, an entrepreneur, a digital nomad, a psychologist… I’ve always said this to Owen and he made fun of me but my interests are so varied it’s impossible to choose one. I’ve got phases, I’ve always been ups and downs not only when talking about depression but it’s just in my personality. I’ve got my main interests and I have a few months when one dominates dramatically over the others. And then they replace each other and this happens over and over again. But at least the topics stay the same. There is some consistency.
I was thinking about adrenaline today. How amazing it is and I should focus on spending my days with activities where the adrenaline takes over. That is when the idea came that when I go to Bali in January I don’t just go to Bali – what about surfing camp? But what if I end up hating surfing and I paid for a month-long camp?
It is overwhelming to feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have this energy but not sure whether to direct it. And I love the feeling of something happening inside me, something so powerful, just like the old days. But I am still trying to find somewhere to belong, to do something that matters. Too many things, sudden extreme feelings of wanting to help people weigh mental health issues, help animal charities, wanting to be a model, actress or a singer, just trying to find a way to channel my energies and express myself. I am reminding myself every day that I need to stay calm, keep on going and the path will reveal itself. Inspiring people, a new life that I’ve been leading. Awakening that it is just a phase, it was a phase and there is so much more to life than England. And maybe my fears of falling apart and not being able to cope on my own will be proven wrong. Maybe I will be ok and my new more balanced be is back and is staying. But I will need a plan in case it hits again. At this point I haven’t had an episode since Italy. Which was the 1st July and now it is the 28th August. Its been 2 months. Some anxiety – but nothing major.