“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

colourfuljourneysMental HealthLeave a Comment

There are so many things I’m afraid of. But most of the time I just push on – I find that nervous feeling in my stomach releases quickly if I dive into things. But one thing has always been with me – something I haven’t really ever faced fully to be able to free myself from it. And that is being alone. I was with Greg for so long because I had no idea what I wanted with my life, I didn’t have a life purpose other than wanting a family. If I had a lifelong passion to follow that’s a different thing, and I’ve always had so many interests and hobbies – but they come in phases. I’m into beauty for a few months, then photography takes over and then website design pops up. Then the cycle would start all over again.
So there I was, putting everything into a relationship – because all I’ve seen around me was everyone trying to find a partner rather than trying to figure themselves out. Because most people around me were terrified of being alone and obsessed with finding someone.
I’ve always thought it’d be nice to have someone and get that part ‘out of the way’ so I can spare myself the effort and time put into dating. And I can focus on more important things – figuring out who I am, what I want and experiencing and seeing the world. I’ve never been interested in dating and I don’t think I ever will be. I just don’t care. Look what happened – I met Greg on a dating site when I first moved to London and didn’t know anyone in the UK – and it just wasn’t positive almost on any note. Owen came my way without either of us even trying – and he’s been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. He’s helped me shape my life more than anyone ever before – including any other friends or family. I feel like he provided me with an armour to tackle life. And not just to live and get through things but to create and live a life that is good for me.
He literally saved me. I have no idea how I could ever repay him, I just hope I can be his best friend for decades and I can support him and help him in any way possible.
But it was time to move on and accept that fact that we want different things. And as much as a I love him, if I give up becoming a mother for him, I know I will resent him for it. He never asked of course – he would never ask that from me. I was a lot more selfish asking him to have children just for me. For the sake of being together when he clearly doesn’t want children. I wish I didn’t. But I was trying to make it work at all cost (like I usually do) because he feels like home. He feels like family more than my actual family. He makes me feel safe and I feel like I can make him happy too. And I tried so hard and I’d literally do anything for him – I even considered staying in the UK when I never wanted that for the long term. I’d move anywhere with him, I’d lead any lifestyle with him… I just couldn’t do the one things that’s always been important for me.
But I was also terrified of being alone. I’ve never been alone and that is because I’ve always thought doing things for yourself is nonsense. You need to have someone else to do things for – otherwise what’s the point. That’s what my parents have always done (it is very unhealthy and extreme) and it made me feel like if I don’t have someone else to do things for there’s no point. No point getting up in the morning even. I had to be in a team, to work and to get up in the morning because if I’m alone than what’s the point.
That has changed. Because of Owen, I’ve started to take care of myself and watch what it is that makes me grounded and safe. And what it is that sends me back down, what triggers the depressive episodes.
I was well – I was safe and had a home where I was very very happy. Such a happy house with friends and my best friend. What more could you want? So I was terrified that if I left that then I’d go back to the same place with judging family and depression starting all over again. But I’m not back there at all. I feel happy and strong – I am alone but I am so much more stable that ever before. I am trying every single day to remind myself there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. The sense of shame has lifted after 15 years. God life is different this way.
But I am only live and well – and not just a vegetable because of him. If I am lucky then I can keep him in my life forever as I don’t think anything can happen that will make me love him any less.
I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I am forever thankful I took the plunge and went to Australia 2,5 years ago. I thought if we get together that’d be great – but I didn’t just get a relationship, I got a best friend who is more important to me than anyone. We’ll always have our inside jokes, who’s always there to make me laugh, I’ll always be there to annoy him, to help him move, to encourage his ideas and to do photography and travelling together. We see each other’s positive and negative sides, he’s seen me at my worst. And we still love, support and above all – respect each other. I’m sure once we both meet someone who is right for us as a partner some things will change – but I will never be with someone who doesn’t also love him. This is something that is non-negotiable.

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